In bleak nursing homes and vibrant college dorms, in crowded cities and spread-out suburbs, Americans confront an ailment with no single cause or cure.
Some call it social isolation or disconnectedness. Often, it's just plain loneliness.
An age-old ailment, to be sure, and yet by various measures -- census figures on one-person households, a new study documenting Americans' shrinking circle of intimate friends -- it is worsening.
Among the causes: ever longer commutes, and the Internet, which gives people the illusion of intimacy. You may have 1,000 "friends" on Facebook, but if you're arrested for DWI at 3am, will any of them go to the ATM for $200 and come bail you out?
I was particularly surprised to learn that many college students are spending all their time in their rooms, chatting online with their high school friends rather than meeting people in person. I really enjoyed the campus social life when I was in college. I'm an introvert, but in college, it was easy to make friends. Hundreds of kids torn away from their old connections, eager to make new ones. Not any more, I guess.
I was sitting at a coffee shop over the weekend and two young women walked by. They were both talking to someone else on their cell phones. I've seen this alot, where two people would rather talk to someone else on the phone rather than the person they are with. No wonder people are lonely.
Our local radio host went to lunch two weeks ago at Big Sky Cafe and a dad and son sat down next to him. The son was listening to tunes on his ipod, all plugged in so to speak, and the two did not have a conversation with each other through the entire lunch.
A few months ago, I think that the WSJ ran an article on this topic, especially focused on suburban bedroom communties. After working and commuting all day long, people were just out of time and too tired to spend time on social networking in their communities.
I live in an old mining town; guys would work hard in the stopes and shafts all day, have family at home, and still had time to support a lot of bars and churches.
But then, back then there was no TV, internet, or stereo systems.
House flipping -- buying and renovating a house to sell for profit -- is currently the hottest trend spreading through the real estate industry. A "flip" occurs when an individual purchases a home, remodels the home in a short period of time (anywhere from 3 weeks to 4 months) and then re-sells the home for a profit.
Flip That House is a new series for Discovery Home that dives into this very craze. Each episode is a fun, fast half hour that will document the entire flipping process of one house.
John T. Reed is one of the few real RE gurus. Yeah, he uses that term too lol! His page is worth reading, every word, ever review, everything. His newsletter is pennies compared to buying a house, and probably well worth getting too - I read the sample copy and it's up to date on reality not RE agent propaganda.
A few months ago, I came close to buying a condo in the suburbs. Why I decided against it was a lack of bars in walking distance. Bars are my mode of choice for being at all social, sub-optimal as it is. But it's better than nothing.
And that's the problem. The suburbs are about like a lunar colony where the homes serve as habitats and the cars as the spacecraft. You can't walk anywhere in the suburbs any more than you can walk on the moon without a spacesuit. That's becuse everything in the asphalt desert is too bloody far away. I lived briefly in the suburbs before what seemed to be a mass extinction of bars. Now, it would be some lonely stuff out there.
Why the mass extinction of bars? The automobile is a good suspect. With DUI being dangerous, and fiercer crackdowns to get these morons off the road, people gave up on going to the local bar. So, they close up.
It's little wonder the coffee shop cropped up. But people are too busy to socialise there thanks to laptops. Also, if you're already an insomniac, a coffee shop is a poor choice anyways even without laptop proliferation.
Maxout this is where you really need to read Kunstler on the evolution of US housing, the house with no garage at all unless it was the house of wealthy ppl then it had a carriage house in back. When cars evolved and started to displace people at the dominent US life-form, you first had houses with a garage in back, small and almost out of sight, to a larger garage about the same distance from the curb as the house, to today's "snout house" with the garage right out in front, and the front door almost an afterthought - which after all an entrance for people would be. The people only seem to exist to support the cars.
I wish I could find this..... in the 70s they had a 2nd version of The Mickey Mouse Club show on TV, with some neat re-runs of some of the funkiest Disney cartoons, one was about cars, and was from a sort of "space alien visiting Earth" perspective, it was eerie, the space alien's conclusion was that cars were the dominent life form and humans seemed to be a sort of parasite on the cars.....
Unfortunately, what it proclaims to the world is that "Cars Live Here!"
The actual human-occupied portion appears increasingly secondary, little more than an add on in the back. An architectural nightmare.
The importance of the automobile in US culture cannot be overstated.
And garages are often huge today. Three, four, six bays and more. Craziness. I know people who have two-car garages at the front of the thouse, and build another two or three bay garage in back.
Personally, I'm fond of the "breezeway." A little screened or windowed porch that connects the garage to the house. You can sit out there in summer, and put the beer there to keep cold in winter. :)
My parents' garage is in back of the house, connected to the kitchen. But I think that's partly because of the association rules of the subdivision they live in. You cannot leave your garage door open if it can be seen from the street. So people turn the garage sideways and put it in the backyard.
Chris Alexander in "A Pattern Language" makes a strong case about doorways, transitions and entrances. No, the garage is there first and foremost because that is how people come into their home. It IS the front door. It's not there to block noise from the street. I'm one of those Mainers with a garage too useful to park a car in - in other words it's full of trash and treasure. My ex lives in one of those developments where cars have to sleep in the garage. That's her front door, an oil-stained concrete slab. I have to walk outside past the roses, peony and herbs. Sometimes in the rain.
My bike, OTOH, lives in the house, in the front entryway. Hers is hanging up with flat tires in the garage.
Is not Starbucs etc an example of exactly the kind of trend needed to create more social meeting places? Even if people are bringing their lapatop "TV" with them, its a lot better then staying at home. Btw, I realy should take my laptop to a coffe shop. ;-)
And I prefer insomnia before alcoholism any day even if both are realy bad for your driving.
My single piece of Peak Oil advice to other people, because not everyone has money or usefull skills, is to stay connected to people - friends/relatives/neighbors/work colleagues, nuture all of your personal relationships, get involved in your local community, etc. But really invest your time in people, not things.
Biologically, the motive to socialize is the motive to try and move up, or at least not fall behind, in the social hierarchy. (i.e. dogs socialize, cats don't.) But in our enormous highly-mobile and ever-expanding industrial cosmopolis the people you actually meet almost never have anything to do with your success or failure - as opposed to tribal times. Be as rude as you want and the supermarket ATM still takes your card, Medicare still approves you, the AAA truck comes when you call, and the same score comes back on the SAT. I think people are catching on to this after several generations lag from cooperative farm-economy ethos, and cutting down on wasted effort. It's rational. Change the economy first, and friendship will come back.
Perhaps the greatest attraction of New Orleans to me, a recent immigrant (only 14 years here) is the inter-personal relationships. More attractive than our Best in the World food :-)), great music, outstanding architecture or walkable + streetcar "Old Urbanism".
It is one of the few US cities (are there others ?) where being a "good guy" is randomly but consistently rewarded. Free Jazz Fest tickets last two years, people recognize me and compliment me and ask if there is anything they can do to help.
The volunteers from outside (God Bless Them) are consistently amazed at how easy it is to talk to strangers (my guess, 10% to 15% move here, mentioning that you are a volunteer gets all sorts of extras in our disaster zone).
My only other post here, a month or so ago, spoke to the possible benefits of peak oil. Part of that was how it would force us to reconnect with people and our communities. I have been making a concerted effort to talk to people, go to local farmers markets, ride the local light rail, etc.
Have been also making my old 5500 generator run, stocking up on water, fuel and non-perishables. drive an '83 BMW that get 31 mpg. Am also attending a local zoning hearing tomorrow and urging for more infill/density (less Suburbia) Just little things but trying to be ready.
I'm not a cornucopioan or a doomer, just an average person looking at a harsh reality and wanting to make the best of it.
Connecting with other people may be the hardest but most rewarding aspect of this process. I have noticed the more I try to say hello or strike up conversations the easier and more frequent it becomes. People do seem ready to re-connect.
We are undoubtedly facing some tough times ahead, but it will have some benefits. I am urging my daughters to study/work toward energy related fields.
Two Cents that's a great 2c. Yes, oil use has allowed a very unnatural culture, one that's colonizing the whole earth, to arise. Lack of cheap energy is the only thing that can kill it.
I'll use myself as an example to support the case.
I now live in a new city, working at a new company for the last year. In that time, I have been invited by only one individual to a social function.
Further, as a single, middle-aged, divorced man with no children, I find that there is no social network in which I fit. Too old for the younger single crowd; too different for the middle-aged family crowd: too young for the geriatric crowd. Translation: social outcast.
Additionally, in the 12 years since my divorce, I have yet to meet a suitable woman to date. When I lived in Dallas, all the woman commented that I did not meet their standards because of low job status or low income. In other words, I did not rate.
As a consequence of the above, I spend my free time ambling around my apartment and reading theoildrum instead of engaging with people. It seems that people can't be bothered anymore.
In the fairy tale of "Cinderella", only the alpha male prince gets the "inner beauty" princess.
Many a young girl are taught to hold out until their prince in a shining castle shows up. Some grow up and figure out it was another lie-of-the-elites.
If you give up and mope in your apartment, then the outcome is guaranteed. If you go out to some PO or other conferences you might meet somebody of like mind. Don't give up. All you got to do is meet one, even if there are a lot of toad princesses along the journey. Good luck mate ... and God speed.
You won't meet any by staying in your apartment. There are lots of eligible women out there looking for an intelligent, decent man. But you have to go find them! You can't meet Ms. Right by staying at home -unless she is the pizza delivery person!
Volunteer for a cause you believe in. Political, charitable, whatever. IME, there tend to be more women than men who volunteer, so the odds will be in your favor.
Good suggestions. Also, you could branch out by trying something new/outgoing that you always wanted to, but just never had the motivation or time to do so until now. Go boating, camping, hiking, biking, martial arts, or even bowling. Happiness comes from within, personal satisfaction and inner harmony, not from without, the approval or adoration of others.
Try going to dance a class. Personally I love five rhythms, because as my partner says 'I have my own sense of rhythm' and it doesn't matter there.
Religion is great at this, and one of the biggest things we have lost in realising its evil side. But times are a changing. Some are very accepting of atheists. Assuming you don't already have a faith, try a Buddhist group (particularly Zen) or the Society of Friends. If you look at it from an evolutionarily point of view, we evolved religion to bring us together, to unite us. You don't have to abandon your beliefs to utilise the parts of our wet-ware that were made for this purpose.
Alternatively get involved in some kind of sustainable group building straw bale houses or such like. That will get you involved in just the right kind of people.
Fitness things are great as well. you don't even need to be supper fit, just making some effort.
There is a huge middle-aged single crowd, or if "crowd" is not the right word, a lot of middle-aged singles. And a lot of women more interested in a man's character than his bank account.
I don't know what the long future holds here in the US, or there, but I am moving at the end of September to Lima, Peru. For sure, Peru has its problems, and civilization there despite far lower per capita energy use seems to me to be ultimately no more sustainable than here.
But the sort of social isolation described in this thread that I can also relate to is much less rampant. Places like Peru and Colombia are also dating nirvanas for a decent single north-american or european guy who speaks a little Spanish. Nothing I know of compares to the friendliness and passion of a true (unamericanized) latina woman!
Two more ideas: Pick a fight with Kevembuangga. Should keep you busy for a couple of months.
Pretend to be a teenage girl on My Space. Hey! Maybe you are a
teenage girl pretending to be middleaged divorced guy!
Not funny. Prole emptied his heart to us. He needs our support, not jokes. Although I kid about the "herd mentality" often here, the need for human company is a strong biological one. Almost no one can be happy all alone. Hang in there prole. The PO community is rooting for you. Don't limit yourself to PO. Explore. Try a bit of everything. Go where no single /divorced guy has gone before. It's kind of like exploring for oil. If you don't sound out the territory and drop a couple of test bores, you'll never know. So force yourself out of that apartment on Wednesday nights and hit the single scenes. Bring us back good news. Well no, keep it private. But you know that we mean you well. Best of luck.
When I was single, the grocery store, library, and laundry mat were great places to strike up conversations with eligible young ladies. They were cheap places to try to get to know someone and doubled with getting something else done if socializing failed.
Go to the places you often visit, like the grocery store, with the object of being friendly and pleasant to any attractive female you encounter. Of course she will turn out to be married (all the good ones are already married). Be friendly anyway because the married ones have unmarried or newly single friends. There's no better way to a woman's heart than through the good graces of her closest friends.
You don't have to be overwhelmingly suave and smooth, just pleasant.
Isolated Americans trying to connect
Among the causes: ever longer commutes, and the Internet, which gives people the illusion of intimacy. You may have 1,000 "friends" on Facebook, but if you're arrested for DWI at 3am, will any of them go to the ATM for $200 and come bail you out?
I was particularly surprised to learn that many college students are spending all their time in their rooms, chatting online with their high school friends rather than meeting people in person. I really enjoyed the campus social life when I was in college. I'm an introvert, but in college, it was easy to make friends. Hundreds of kids torn away from their old connections, eager to make new ones. Not any more, I guess.
Our local radio host went to lunch two weeks ago at Big Sky Cafe and a dad and son sat down next to him. The son was listening to tunes on his ipod, all plugged in so to speak, and the two did not have a conversation with each other through the entire lunch.
A. The sound of her cellphone hitting the floor.
But then, back then there was no TV, internet, or stereo systems.
http://home.discovery.com/tuneins/flipthathouse/flipthathouse.htmlFlipping real estate by John T. Reed
My how things have changed since then in the housing market.
And that's the problem. The suburbs are about like a lunar colony where the homes serve as habitats and the cars as the spacecraft. You can't walk anywhere in the suburbs any more than you can walk on the moon without a spacesuit. That's becuse everything in the asphalt desert is too bloody far away. I lived briefly in the suburbs before what seemed to be a mass extinction of bars. Now, it would be some lonely stuff out there.
Why the mass extinction of bars? The automobile is a good suspect. With DUI being dangerous, and fiercer crackdowns to get these morons off the road, people gave up on going to the local bar. So, they close up.
It's little wonder the coffee shop cropped up. But people are too busy to socialise there thanks to laptops. Also, if you're already an insomniac, a coffee shop is a poor choice anyways even without laptop proliferation.
I wish I could find this..... in the 70s they had a 2nd version of The Mickey Mouse Club show on TV, with some neat re-runs of some of the funkiest Disney cartoons, one was about cars, and was from a sort of "space alien visiting Earth" perspective, it was eerie, the space alien's conclusion was that cars were the dominent life form and humans seemed to be a sort of parasite on the cars.....
However, there is a reason for it. The garage is put between the house and the street in order to shelter the living space from street noise.
The actual human-occupied portion appears increasingly secondary, little more than an add on in the back. An architectural nightmare.
The importance of the automobile in US culture cannot be overstated.
Personally, I'm fond of the "breezeway." A little screened or windowed porch that connects the garage to the house. You can sit out there in summer, and put the beer there to keep cold in winter. :)
My parents' garage is in back of the house, connected to the kitchen. But I think that's partly because of the association rules of the subdivision they live in. You cannot leave your garage door open if it can be seen from the street. So people turn the garage sideways and put it in the backyard.
Chris Alexander in "A Pattern Language" makes a strong case about doorways, transitions and entrances. No, the garage is there first and foremost because that is how people come into their home. It IS the front door. It's not there to block noise from the street. I'm one of those Mainers with a garage too useful to park a car in - in other words it's full of trash and treasure. My ex lives in one of those developments where cars have to sleep in the garage. That's her front door, an oil-stained concrete slab. I have to walk outside past the roses, peony and herbs. Sometimes in the rain.
My bike, OTOH, lives in the house, in the front entryway. Hers is hanging up with flat tires in the garage.
cfm
Its quite common that a door closer to the kitchen is the most used door even if it isent the front door.
Cultural difference?
And I prefer insomnia before alcoholism any day even if both are realy bad for your driving.
Most important thing. Even for hermits like myself.
It is one of the few US cities (are there others ?) where being a "good guy" is randomly but consistently rewarded. Free Jazz Fest tickets last two years, people recognize me and compliment me and ask if there is anything they can do to help.
The volunteers from outside (God Bless Them) are consistently amazed at how easy it is to talk to strangers (my guess, 10% to 15% move here, mentioning that you are a volunteer gets all sorts of extras in our disaster zone).
Have been also making my old 5500 generator run, stocking up on water, fuel and non-perishables. drive an '83 BMW that get 31 mpg. Am also attending a local zoning hearing tomorrow and urging for more infill/density (less Suburbia) Just little things but trying to be ready.
I'm not a cornucopioan or a doomer, just an average person looking at a harsh reality and wanting to make the best of it.
Connecting with other people may be the hardest but most rewarding aspect of this process. I have noticed the more I try to say hello or strike up conversations the easier and more frequent it becomes. People do seem ready to re-connect.
We are undoubtedly facing some tough times ahead, but it will have some benefits. I am urging my daughters to study/work toward energy related fields.
Good luck all!
I now live in a new city, working at a new company for the last year. In that time, I have been invited by only one individual to a social function.
Further, as a single, middle-aged, divorced man with no children, I find that there is no social network in which I fit. Too old for the younger single crowd; too different for the middle-aged family crowd: too young for the geriatric crowd. Translation: social outcast.
Additionally, in the 12 years since my divorce, I have yet to meet a suitable woman to date. When I lived in Dallas, all the woman commented that I did not meet their standards because of low job status or low income. In other words, I did not rate.
As a consequence of the above, I spend my free time ambling around my apartment and reading theoildrum instead of engaging with people. It seems that people can't be bothered anymore.
Many a young girl are taught to hold out until their prince in a shining castle shows up. Some grow up and figure out it was another lie-of-the-elites.
If you give up and mope in your apartment, then the outcome is guaranteed. If you go out to some PO or other conferences you might meet somebody of like mind. Don't give up. All you got to do is meet one, even if there are a lot of toad princesses along the journey. Good luck mate ... and God speed.
Also, take community education classes--great way to meet people and learn new skills.
Religion is great at this, and one of the biggest things we have lost in realising its evil side. But times are a changing. Some are very accepting of atheists. Assuming you don't already have a faith, try a Buddhist group (particularly Zen) or the Society of Friends. If you look at it from an evolutionarily point of view, we evolved religion to bring us together, to unite us. You don't have to abandon your beliefs to utilise the parts of our wet-ware that were made for this purpose.
Alternatively get involved in some kind of sustainable group building straw bale houses or such like. That will get you involved in just the right kind of people.
Fitness things are great as well. you don't even need to be supper fit, just making some effort.
But the sort of social isolation described in this thread that I can also relate to is much less rampant. Places like Peru and Colombia are also dating nirvanas for a decent single north-american or european guy who speaks a little Spanish. Nothing I know of compares to the friendliness and passion of a true (unamericanized) latina woman!
Go to the places you often visit, like the grocery store, with the object of being friendly and pleasant to any attractive female you encounter. Of course she will turn out to be married (all the good ones are already married). Be friendly anyway because the married ones have unmarried or newly single friends. There's no better way to a woman's heart than through the good graces of her closest friends.
You don't have to be overwhelmingly suave and smooth, just pleasant.